I don’t post a ton of personal stuff  – but tonight’s post is very personal and raw.  I am so glad only my husband can see me right now….hot tears streaming down my face, eyes puffy from crying, runny nose, chest tight…feelings like I can hardly breath. It’s so ironic to experience these emotions on Christmas Day! We have been with family for the past 48 hours, celebrated the birth of our Savior, watched our girls get loved on and receive way too many gifts.

Not only did we celebrate the birth of Christ today, but our sweet McKenna’s first birthday.  (Because her birthday is on Christmas Day, we decided to do her party and celebrate her half birthday at the pool this summer & each year until she is old enough to choose when she would like to celebrate-we want her to have her own special day, and not feel slided yada yada…although seriously, how freaking cool is it to share your birthday with the Savior of the world?!  🙂

Anyways…back to reality – as much as I would like to pretend her first birthday isn’t until June so I can suppress all the emotions first birthdays bring for me, it is TODAY.  I have cried so many times in the past 48 hours…thinking back to last year & all that was about to unfold.  I remember as I was pregnant, feeling that nothing could be as magical as Audrina’s birth – fearing I wouldn’t bond as deeply with this baby b/c nothing could come close to the magical labor I had with Audrina.  God is so awesome. I was so wrong.  Both were so equally perfect and surreal. I know I am a freak of nature for saying this but I LOVE labor.  I miss it-I wish I could experience it on a regular basis-yeah, that just seems weird typing it, but seriously…I had the most amazing births. I received the most amazing Christmas gift ever when McKenna was born. We tucked Audrina in Christmas Eve, I was surrounded by family as labor started, my sister-in-law and dear friend delivered our daughter, we found out she was a GIRL, we celebrated Christmas as a family of 4. It was like right-out-of-a-movie perfect.

Blake and I just curled up together on the couch and watch McKenna’s birth video and we cried.  Tears of joy as we see our baby developing into such a sweet, inquisitive, beautiful, loving little girl.  Tears of grief as we move onto another phase, yet anticipating all the future holds.  And knowing, having gone through the first year with Audrina, how much fun there is to be had. It is SO bittersweet. Parenthood is SOOO hard – I could never sum it up – so much love, so much work, so much joy, so much frustration, so fulfilling, so draining, so worth it all. God, I love my babies. And I think that is why I cry.  I KNOW how blessed I am.  I know that not everyone gets to experience this.  I LOVE this, I signed up for THIS.

I think back to a time when I yearned for this so badly I wept – I sat on my bed sobbing for days, knitting the socks I would one day wear as I gave birth to both Audrina and McKenna.  But at that time I had no clue what the future held.  I had just lost, been crushed and devastated and experienced the loss of pregnancy.  I trusted God had a plan, but doubt crept in…4 years later I look into the eyes of my girls, see our family unit, and feel so complete.  On this side of things, God’s plan makes so much more sense than it did in the depths of my grief.  I can’t imagine it any other way-our first baby(ies) taught me so much: how dear life is. how sacred motherhood is. how blessed I truly am. That experience made me the mother I am today and allowed for the lives of our girls.

As I look back on this year with McKenna, I am in awe of her.  I love her more than words can express.  She is the most snuggly, lovable, momma’s girl and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She is the perfect gift from God, she is a treasure and our joy. When I see her and Audrina together – their hugs and love – I am consumed with happiness. My eyes are puffy and the tears roll because I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I could go on and on, trying to explain it, but I think her birth video sums it up 🙂 So I’ll let you take a peek back with me! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Baby Girl! You have been a blessing to daddy, Audrina, and I – we love you and cherish you now and forever.   <3 momma